Buckets: Not Just for Nuclear Attack Anymore

If you don't know what I'm talking about from the title, then you really should read the article, don't worry, I'll wait:Buckets

[If for some reason the link doesn’t work, a synopsis of the story goes like this: A principal in Los Angeles trying to prevent students from walking out during the recent immigration rallies used a lockdown so harsh that children weren’t allowed to go to the bathroom, instead having to use buckets in classrooms. The lockdown used was apparently designed for nuclear attacks. It was all a mistake, but the kids’ parents were less than pleased. Counter to what an education consisting of sitcoms might tell you, hijinks did not then ensue.]

Now UM doesn’t really have a problem with this, students using of buckets instead of regular restroom facilities. In fact, UM supports using only buckets and outhouses for the purposes of excretory removal. You know why? Because UM is a strict-constitutionalist, and if using buckets was good enough for the founding fathers, the men who wrote our Constitution and founded the greatest country this planet has ever known, then it’s good enough for UM, and should be good enough for today’s impressionable youth. Think about it: if we don’t do at least a few things exactly the ways they did, then how can we ever interpret things exactly the way they intended for us to, over 200 years ago?! These men have now been dead for over two centuries, and life today is nothing like what it was when these giants of rhetoric and patriotism roamed the earth, but shouldn’t we be bound to hallowed traditions of the past, even if the majority of us disagree with them? If so, and I think most Americans would agree, then buckets it is, and buckets it must be! If Thomas Jefferson were alive today, would he use a toilet or a bucket? I think the answer is quite obvious.

Now I don’t want anyone to worry, UM’s not proposing anything ludicrous like giving up our Blackberries or cell phones for even a limited period of time. Given the realities of modern life, UM understands that using chamber pots full-time would be deemed as too harsh by some critics, and wouldn’t be likely to fly. But what about using them as a temporary object lesson for kids? In that light, even the most hardened critic will find that this idea makes a lot of sense, and might just be what America needs.

Now UM realizes the following proposal is going to be unpopular in some circles, but that’s OK, UM’s a big boy and can handle the heat. As sure as the sun will rise, UM predicts the liberal elite hygiene-istas in the media will decry this “radical” proposal while sipping lattes from the perch of their luxury gold-plated commodes, but I for one think that it would be a good thing for all students in American classrooms to go through the experience of using a good ol’ chamber pot.

And the reason for that is that using a bucket never hurt anybody; if anything, it’s a terrific learning exercise! From a historical perspective, how can you get kids to really imagine what life was like in early Colonial America, or Victorian England? In today’s world, it’s tough to get kids interested enough in the past enough to really visualize what life then must’ve been like back then. But you give a kid a bucket and restrict his access to a restroom, and lessons of the past are going to come to life in ways that I’m sure that none of us have ever imagined.

Also, the possibility for life-lessons in such an exercise is enormous. Now I’m no fan of the environment, because when you get down to it, what has it done for us lately? But in an attempt to bridge the partisan divide and appease the radicals that will try and railroad any opposing, but sane proposal, UM will make an honest effort to make nice with the ravenous attack dogs of the left by offering an eco-bone. From an ecological standpoint, you give a kid a bucket full of his own waste, and suddenly he’s got to determine: what do I do with that? How does it impact the environment of the playground, or more importantly my enjoyment of the playground, if I dump a bucket of crap by the monkey bars? Today’s over-coddled kids never have to think about things like that, which most reasonable people would probably say is to the detriment of our country. If you’re concerned about the state of the environment, and a lot of left-leaning talking heads like to say they are, perhaps they should put their money where their mouth is, and support a proposal that has the potential to teach our youth valuable environmental lessons. As always Mr. Gore, my email box is open…

So America, I present a minor proposal aimed at teaching our youth important lessons of history, responsibility, and most importantly in some circles, the environment. The funding requirements for this are miniscule (how much can buckets cost?), and might even save us a few bucks (bathrooms don’t pay for themselves you know), and the life lessons are incalculable. Hey, UM is just as surprised as you, dear reader, that California has developed a new and effective educational paradigm, but sometimes the most revolutionary ideas come from unexpected origins. And unless you’ve got a better proposal, UM suggests that critics should s***, or get off the proverbial pot.

Colbert Mode: OFF

Buckets