George Will Column Generator

First, strap on omnipresent bow-tie

Open with some awesomely-sweet pithy exposition on the topic on which George is gonna bust some serious-ass knowledge

Use a random big word (how bout perspicacious?)

Decry the state of governance/national pastime in the country (e.g. “Damn these health care taxes specifically levied on Wal-Mart!” [Ed – Doesn’t UM tend to agree with George on parts of this issue and probably should’ve picked a better example?] UM- Damn! But I’ll continue to e.g. anyway: “Damn these steroids and the mockery they’ve made of the stats on my treasured 1988 Topps Traded set! There goes my whole reason for never opening the box!”)

Another random obscure word (feeling like obfuscation right about now)

Make a reference to why Ronald Reagan would’ve handled this so much better than whoever is in charge of whatever it is now

Allude to someone important you had lunch with

Another crazy word (he loves harbingers!)

Finish up by saying why the streets will run red with the blood of the innocents if you don’t accept the Conservative viewpoint: “Satan himself must be having quite a laugh at the thought of America repealing the dividend tax-cut!”

In all fairness, I kinda like George Will in an odd kinda way, and UM ain’t trying to hate on him. Us writers gotta stick together against the haters, you know? We can still hang out and wear our Washington Nationals hats and rap about how much better the Senators were back in the old days, right George? [Ed. – do you mean the baseball team or the politicians? I kill me.] Peace out, and don’t forget to pass to the left, GFW!

George+Will