Friends

Is it just UM, or does everyone know somebody who was so excited that today marked 4/20? Double points if they contacted you at 4:20 this afternoon in a giggling fit. A million points if they called you at 4:20 this morning in a giggling fit.

At the very least, you should be able to picture someone you knew from the past who probably feels that this day is better than Christmas. Or Easter, for sure. If you don't, my guess is that either your generation pre-dates this in-joke, or you never lived off-campus during college. Either way, I ain't hating, holla!

Nominee...

For worst misinterpretation of a metaphor, this year: Retiree Who Flushed Money Down Toilet

Buckets: Not Just for Nuclear Attack Anymore

If you don't know what I'm talking about from the title, then you really should read the article, don't worry, I'll wait:Buckets

[If for some reason the link doesn’t work, a synopsis of the story goes like this: A principal in Los Angeles trying to prevent students from walking out during the recent immigration rallies used a lockdown so harsh that children weren’t allowed to go to the bathroom, instead having to use buckets in classrooms. The lockdown used was apparently designed for nuclear attacks. It was all a mistake, but the kids’ parents were less than pleased. Counter to what an education consisting of sitcoms might tell you, hijinks did not then ensue.]

Now UM doesn’t really have a problem with this, students using of buckets instead of regular restroom facilities. In fact, UM supports using only buckets and outhouses for the purposes of excretory removal. You know why? Because UM is a strict-constitutionalist, and if using buckets was good enough for the founding fathers, the men who wrote our Constitution and founded the greatest country this planet has ever known, then it’s good enough for UM, and should be good enough for today’s impressionable youth. Think about it: if we don’t do at least a few things exactly the ways they did, then how can we ever interpret things exactly the way they intended for us to, over 200 years ago?! These men have now been dead for over two centuries, and life today is nothing like what it was when these giants of rhetoric and patriotism roamed the earth, but shouldn’t we be bound to hallowed traditions of the past, even if the majority of us disagree with them? If so, and I think most Americans would agree, then buckets it is, and buckets it must be! If Thomas Jefferson were alive today, would he use a toilet or a bucket? I think the answer is quite obvious.

Now I don’t want anyone to worry, UM’s not proposing anything ludicrous like giving up our Blackberries or cell phones for even a limited period of time. Given the realities of modern life, UM understands that using chamber pots full-time would be deemed as too harsh by some critics, and wouldn’t be likely to fly. But what about using them as a temporary object lesson for kids? In that light, even the most hardened critic will find that this idea makes a lot of sense, and might just be what America needs.

Now UM realizes the following proposal is going to be unpopular in some circles, but that’s OK, UM’s a big boy and can handle the heat. As sure as the sun will rise, UM predicts the liberal elite hygiene-istas in the media will decry this “radical” proposal while sipping lattes from the perch of their luxury gold-plated commodes, but I for one think that it would be a good thing for all students in American classrooms to go through the experience of using a good ol’ chamber pot.

And the reason for that is that using a bucket never hurt anybody; if anything, it’s a terrific learning exercise! From a historical perspective, how can you get kids to really imagine what life was like in early Colonial America, or Victorian England? In today’s world, it’s tough to get kids interested enough in the past enough to really visualize what life then must’ve been like back then. But you give a kid a bucket and restrict his access to a restroom, and lessons of the past are going to come to life in ways that I’m sure that none of us have ever imagined.

Also, the possibility for life-lessons in such an exercise is enormous. Now I’m no fan of the environment, because when you get down to it, what has it done for us lately? But in an attempt to bridge the partisan divide and appease the radicals that will try and railroad any opposing, but sane proposal, UM will make an honest effort to make nice with the ravenous attack dogs of the left by offering an eco-bone. From an ecological standpoint, you give a kid a bucket full of his own waste, and suddenly he’s got to determine: what do I do with that? How does it impact the environment of the playground, or more importantly my enjoyment of the playground, if I dump a bucket of crap by the monkey bars? Today’s over-coddled kids never have to think about things like that, which most reasonable people would probably say is to the detriment of our country. If you’re concerned about the state of the environment, and a lot of left-leaning talking heads like to say they are, perhaps they should put their money where their mouth is, and support a proposal that has the potential to teach our youth valuable environmental lessons. As always Mr. Gore, my email box is open…

So America, I present a minor proposal aimed at teaching our youth important lessons of history, responsibility, and most importantly in some circles, the environment. The funding requirements for this are miniscule (how much can buckets cost?), and might even save us a few bucks (bathrooms don’t pay for themselves you know), and the life lessons are incalculable. Hey, UM is just as surprised as you, dear reader, that California has developed a new and effective educational paradigm, but sometimes the most revolutionary ideas come from unexpected origins. And unless you’ve got a better proposal, UM suggests that critics should s***, or get off the proverbial pot.

Colbert Mode: OFF

Buckets

Harm and Pain

I know I’m really late commenting on this one, so mea culpa (Latin for “my bad”). Without looking at a clock, how can I tell? Well when I first wrote that sentence, it was several weeks past when I should’ve really posted something, if indeed I was hell-bent on posting something. So now it’s much worse. Not infinitely, but in this blog-a-minute world where yesterday’s topic is as interesting as old socks, it’s bad. But I spent enough time on the rest of the post that I felt committed to writing it, so here we are. Nobody’s really happy with it, but in a newfound zest to embrace the mediocre, I feel I have no other choice. Here we shall remain.

So getting to where I really started this post, many weeks ago. -> If this were a McSweeney’s submission, I’d probably have entitled this something along the lines of:

Harm and Pain: In which Iran promises to alternatively use spells from “Final Fantasy” against the US in the event of an attack, or attempts to turn the mirror on the US in using euphemistic 21^st-century marketing phraseology in posturing for war. I report, I decide!

The gist being from this pronouncement of a few weeks ago, Iran has promised “harm and pain” to the US in event of an attack on Iran. As a marketing catchphrase, UM would have to say that “harm and pain” is no “shock and awe.” Of course, when it comes down to it, was “shock and awe” that shocking and/or awesome? I mean, were it so shockingly awesome, would it not have ended the war almost instantaneously? Put aside for a second the fact that ‘the war’ part of the continuing war (sorry, I mean situation, or something similar, and certainly wasn’t intending one of your partisan terms of quagmire, boondoggle, etc. Or do I mean boondoggle? If it’s not impossible to tell, then I haven’t been doing my job! A precise level of confusion regarding my actual opinion on things is the actual intent. If I convince myself that I’m not sure what I’m intending, that then magically applies to everyone else then. So either I’m engaging in so much self-deluding mumbo-jumbo, or more likely, I have an opinion, but am attempting to appear neutral so as not to antagonize others, with the added benefit of appearing to be thoughtfully and mysteriously enigmatic… I like my odds here.)

Anyway, in UM’s opinion the real problem with making war in these days of limitless entertainment choice, incessant advertising, and 99¢ Value Menus, is that to get around the clutter or the noise (as Mr. Bush might put it) and communicate to the people, modern war planners have to use the same techniques as marketers promoting the next Hollywood blockbuster or energy drink. Unfortunately for warmongers as for their latte-drinking godless liberal counterparts in Hollywood, using nomenclature such as ‘Shock and Awe’ turns out to be as effective as telling us that ‘Stealth’ delivers some $8-worthy thrills and chills. Bummer.

So what’s a trigger-happy pseudo-messianic somewhat-belligerent non-newspaper reading President to do? (actually, in a press conference a few days ago the President admitted to reading the papers and said that they contained “completely speculative” information – in my opinion that’s a bit slanderous, I’d never call Marmaduke ‘speculative’) On an unrelated note, where should the question mark in the previous sentence have gone; it doesn’t feel right, but I’m lazy. Haters be on the look-out though; I acknowledged the shortcoming, thereby preemptively deflecting any criticism!

The answer is, UM has no idea on what should be done, either on the issue of invading Iran (ok I have an idea there – don’t do it), or in countering the noise of modern consumer culture and overcoming it to deliver Americans the war/movie/caffeinated drink that they deserve, dammit. But, to continue the obscure role-playing game references, UM will now predict that Iran will next offer us some fine leather jackets in a highly complicated face-saving maneouver, the ramifications of which will remain unknown well into the future, ‘natch.

Not is Random Really Sadly This

You ever spend an hour hitting the random button on Wikipedia, and reading the articles it sends you to? Um, me neither. Some sort of weird habit from when I was a kid and we had this encyclopedia set and I’d sometimes read it for fun. Which is weird I guess, though a healthy interest in the obscure and trivial can’t be all bad. For example…well I guess I can’t really come up with any good examples of where obscure trivia came in useful, besides being a Trivial Pursuit stud. You know what the comments are for, ladies...

P.S. I didn’t know I could use an ellipsis so skeevily. It’s been thoroughly established that a well-placed word in italics is suggestive, I guess you could use any punctuation in a suggestive manner though. That gets me excited, know what I mean? Looks like you do!

random

George Will Column Generator

First, strap on omnipresent bow-tie

Open with some awesomely-sweet pithy exposition on the topic on which George is gonna bust some serious-ass knowledge

Use a random big word (how bout perspicacious?)

Decry the state of governance/national pastime in the country (e.g. “Damn these health care taxes specifically levied on Wal-Mart!” [Ed – Doesn’t UM tend to agree with George on parts of this issue and probably should’ve picked a better example?] UM- Damn! But I’ll continue to e.g. anyway: “Damn these steroids and the mockery they’ve made of the stats on my treasured 1988 Topps Traded set! There goes my whole reason for never opening the box!”)

Another random obscure word (feeling like obfuscation right about now)

Make a reference to why Ronald Reagan would’ve handled this so much better than whoever is in charge of whatever it is now

Allude to someone important you had lunch with

Another crazy word (he loves harbingers!)

Finish up by saying why the streets will run red with the blood of the innocents if you don’t accept the Conservative viewpoint: “Satan himself must be having quite a laugh at the thought of America repealing the dividend tax-cut!”

In all fairness, I kinda like George Will in an odd kinda way, and UM ain’t trying to hate on him. Us writers gotta stick together against the haters, you know? We can still hang out and wear our Washington Nationals hats and rap about how much better the Senators were back in the old days, right George? [Ed. – do you mean the baseball team or the politicians? I kill me.] Peace out, and don’t forget to pass to the left, GFW!

George+Will

Gone With No DeLay

This headline writes itself! If the New York Post at least doesn't use this headline, they deserve to have their cheeky-headline privileges revoked. Newspaper editors of the world, I command thee to use this pithy lede!

On another note, Satan backing down from a fight is certainly news, but it's almost a depressing turn of events. Did the Devil back down from fiddle-playing Johnny? According to historian and noted folklorist Charles Daniels, he certainly did not, instead putting his golden fiddle up against Johnny's soul, and losing fair and square in a spirited contest (complete with disco organ!). Tom, say it ain't so that you just handed over the golden fiddle to the Democrats without even rosining up your bow!

So now DeLay's gone, which I guess I have mixed feelings about. You couldn't script a better Republican anti-hero, at least from the Dems' point of view, besides the Veep. Much like Cheney, DeLay obviously couldn't care less about what anyone thought about what he did. The smug grin, the screw-you attitude, the bald power grabs, the inability to even pay lip-service to any point-of-view other than his own, the awe-inspiring dismissiveness of the Democratic party, all I can say is the dude had some big balls. Evil indeed, but still big, balls. Might have to pour some into the street tonight in honor of our fallen homey, Tom DeLay. You'll be missed, Hammer!

P.S. If he ever gets convicted, newspaper editors are also commanded to use "DeLay nailed in bribery/conspiracy/whatever case." I ask for so little, and when I do it's hilarious, come on!

Tom Delay