Most Self-Aggrandizing Post UM Could Think Of (And UM Thought Hard)

I’ll be honest; I dig the word self-aggrandizing. Self-aggrandizing, of course, means to enhance or exaggerate your own reputation, importance, or things like that. Generally. self-aggrandizing comes in the form of comments about one’s self. Boasts especially: “I am astoundingly awesome!” is pretty good self-aggrandizement. And some sassifying (thanks to Clarence Carter) alliteration to boot.

But the best part of the word self-aggrandizing, in UM’s 3^rd-person assessment, is that it’s basically a vocab word (50-cent word, $5-dollar word, or whichever inflation-corrected self-identifying socioeconomically-telling figure you choose, but don’t worry, UM ain’t one fer judgin’) that when used, pretty much does what it says. That is, if you ever use the term ‘self-aggrandizing’ in a sentence, you’re engaging in self-aggrandizement, if you think about it. When UM uses it, it’s partially because it’s the right word, but also because it’s show-offy and self-aggrandizing, to be honest, because most people don’t know the word.

So much like many other less-commonly used words, when you use ‘self-aggrandizing’ in common conversation, (e.g. “His comments, typically, were totally self-aggrandizing, dude!”) you are signaling your immense erudition, knowledge of all things vocabularial (I, awesomely, just made up a word to describe a vocabulary) and that, as Stephen King might put it, You Are An Intellectual Force To Be Reckoned With. George Will has essentially made an entire career of pithy observations on Conservative governance and baseball wrapped in portentous (Ok overblown would’ve worked here, too) language. What’s not to like?

So you can now use ‘self-aggrandizing’ in conversation, secure in the knowledge that in doing so, you’re secretly giving yourself props, which you probably definitely deserve. Unless the other person knows the word, at which point it becomes like you’re in a secret club. A secret club based on its members’ tremendous vocabulary; UM can only imagine the paroxysms of delight that must follow!

And lastly, when other people use ‘self-aggrandizing’, you can silently snicker at them, knowing that they’re really just self-aggrandizing themselves (which sounds a little dirty), even if they don’t. Although if they say they don’t, they’re probably just practicing the ancient art of self-deception. Take it from UM, who keeps being told that he should know about that. And as for deciphering hidden motives that other people don’t even know they have…spooky. Expanding your vocabulary to psychoanalyze your friends and family should definitely win you friends, get you more chicks, and earn you fame/fortune, in UM’s humble opinion. Until later, my confreres!

Where has UM been?

That's a good question, to which I really have no answer. At least any good answers. I could say I've been busy at work, but you're not interested in that, and that isn't particularly true. Or that I've been traveling a lot these past weekends, which has curtailed my ability to post. In truth, I have traveled a bunch the past few weekends, but can't really say that's been a problem for posting.

No, mostly I've been lazy. And loving every minute of it. But then every once in a while, I get the urge, and need to spill my guts about whatever's going through my little brain at that particular moment to everyone on the internets. Plus, if I never posted again, I wouldn't have even made it a week for the blog, which just seems sad. So now, no matter what I do, this blog has lasted past a week, success! Or as my boy Lewis C. might say, Callooh! Callay! Be back soon, promise.

Did UM watch the Oscars?

To answer the question on everyone's mind, I have to emphatically say, sort of! As a disclaiming aside, yes, I am a big Jon Stewart fan. I might as well say it now, since the fact that I am a Jon Stewart fanboy would only become painfully obvious should I continue blogging past this week, and I'll probably be accused of jacking his style for my own writing. Although, a probability analysis on whether liberal-leaning mid-20 year old bloggers from Vermont like Jon Stewart would probably come out at 99.9% likely, so it's not like it's not like a Dewey-over-Truman surprise on this topic anyway.

So I'll gracefully defuse the situation now and say that I dig his stuff, and anything that seems ripped off is just an homage to his greatness. Ok, the greatness thing goes a little far, as I'd actually be bummed if his head got as big as Kanye West's is now (though I still love your music Kanye, you're my boy!). And Stewart certainly won't be on Rolling Stone with the crown of thorns anytime soon like Kanye, to quote Stewart, that might seem awkward. But since part of Stewart's shtick is to be self-deprecating in public, if he did get a huge head, probably the only ones who'd know it would be the poor production assistants who fetch capuccinos and sort M&Ms. Anyway.

Back to the burning question. I watched some of the Oscars, trying to catch the big awards and Stewart's shtick, and wishing I had Tivo. Tivo would be great for the Oscars, you could skip all the commercials, and 2/3 of the show that you have no interest in (Any of the song performances, any of the technical awards, the President of the Academy, etc.), and just be able to see Stewart's repartee and the big awards.

It seems like they've definitely been cutting down on the running time, as I remember it going past midnight in recent years, but it still seems like you could cut more and not miss anything. You could chuck sound mixing and editing, and probably 4 or 5 other things that the average viewer can't discern and don't have an opinion on. I can have an opinion on whether Philip Seymour Hoffman was good, but unless King Kong sounds like a chicken, the sound guys have done a good job in my opinion. So it just means I'm watching guys thank everyone they work with for things that I couldn't tell you if they did them awesomely or not. In a word, compelling!

One question, how was Don Knotts not in the In Memoriam segment? Did he not die within the calendar constraints to quallify for this Oscar season? There's no good answer to this.

In reading all the reviews of the Oscars today, I wish we could agree on whether the show and Stewart were even good or not. Some reviewers thought Stewart was bad, and his best joke was his Cheney-Bjork joke. I liked the joke if for no other reason than when and how else are you going to get the chance to work the Devil (a joke, put the gun down!) and Bjork into the same joke? And others thought Stewart was great, with future invites and a late-night network talk show slot imminent in the next few years. And that the Bjork joke was the lamest. So apparently, humor is subjective.

From what I saw, he was good, with a few witty lines ("pair of talented of brothers: the Baldwins"...burn) but nothing absurdly great or anything. Like most hosts most years, he was restrained, poked fun and livened up the crowd pretty well, and managed not to come off as completely selling his soul. So kudos for that. As a positive, he was good at deflating some of the self-importance of the whole ceremony: "Art is a ray of light into the blackness of life" and all that. Get over it, you're making costumes for movies, get a sense of humor! So overall, Oscars - bloated and boring, Stewart - good job, and I'm definitely pulling a Larry McMurtry at the next black tie function I go to...if I wear pants.

What's the point?

You might be asking yourself, hey, what's the point of blogging? And especially, starting a blog now? Even if this doesn't make it past a week, UM (Unsolicited Miscellany for short, which all the hipsters will no doubt be calling this blog soon, and you don't want to be left out, or wondering what the hipsters are referring to, and you certainly can't mark yourself as uncool (or as Stephen King would put it, Uncool) by asking said hipsters exactly what they're talking about, or you'll be ignored and dismissed in what will seem like an eternity, but will actually last 1/4 of a second. Then they'll go back to talking about their horn-rimmed glasses, socialist summer camps, and so many other things you weren't exposed to, and how is that your fault, but I digress) is indeed starting now. I mean, after all, lots of media gadflies and other assorted experts say that blogging has jumped the shark.

As an aside, notice the use of "lots" and "other" instead of specific examples; I can't be bothered with that type of research! Neither can you, I suspect. Now that I've addressed you, dear reader, in a familiar and positive way, you should now be disposed to view me positively, love my blog, tell all your friends about it, and make me rich and famous beyond my wildest dreams. I'm not really sure how that's going to work, but bear with me, this is a wildest dream we're talking about. Wildest dreams of course, not being known for their great sense of detail. Unless details of said dream involve sexy hula dancers; I have a tremendous facility for remembering those details.

As another aside, has 'jumping the shark' 'jumped the shark?' I would say that it has, if for no other reason than it provides a terrific, entertaining meta moment, which is great, perhaps even better than music you haven't paid for.

Now back to why write a blog. I know what Edmund Hillary would say out of context: "Because it's there." There's no real compelling reason to write a blog that I can see, other than the following reasons:
1) You're massively egocentric and wish to regale the world with every thought you have about every trivial thing. And you like emo?
2) You're older than 25, just lurve the internet, and several high school principals have strongly suggested to the court that you not be allowed access to MySpace anymore. And you know who you are.
3) People actually care about what you have to say (Ha, kidding! Just making sure you're paying attention, good for you)
4) You alternatively love/hate the Bush administration.
5) You are bored bored bored and insist on taking others down with this quickly sinking ship.
6) You secretly desire fame/fortune. This would be me, but I outwardly desire this, placing me out of this column.
7) Last but not least, and my true motivation, reasons that will become apparent...
In the future!

What a terrific cop-out to finish the first post, see ya later!